Growing up, I was hardly ever the honor student, the greatest athlete, nor did I seem to possess any special or unique talents. I was a sweet, sensitive, young girl who had a few best friends. I spent many hours of my childhood days playing along to my imagination. Nothing could be more entertaining or fulfilling to me back then. Though rather creative and resourceful, I lacked self-confidence and emotional stability at times. Little did many realize, I often felt insecure and uncomfortable in many social situations. After being surrounded by crowds of people at school, work, or parties etc, I would inevitably crash and need time to recuperate. I would become irritable after a long day and just needed some time to do whatever it was I desired, to just relax without any real expectation.
Stress had been, and still is a significant trigger for an episode in my case. When stressed, I would become severely overwhelmed and have a breakdown which often resulted in missing days at school, quitting jobs, and opting or dropping out of other promising opportunities. I’ve been known to give up on quite a few things I had started due to the significant levels of stress and the changes in my mood. It has always been disappointing and devastating especially when it happens repeatedly, one after the other. I begin to feel like I will never amount to anything or succeed in life and it killed me whenever I would give up, but I had to do what was best for me at the time regardless of how badly I wanted it.
One thing I have always admired in myself is my ability to keep going and try again even when I’m unsure if I’ll make it through. Sometimes it can be rather tiring and there are times where I feel like giving up all together. There has even been many times where I have felt like ending my life, but I become too afraid to actually follow through with it because of the results of those past experiences. There were numerous times where I can remember lying in bed with tears pouring down, feeling hopeless and lost. The feeling of wanting to end my life is no stranger to me. Those feelings always seem to come and go. At times I’ll feel perfectly happy, upbeat, and silly, and then next I begin to notice myself slip into a deep, dark depression that can sometime last for days.
This is the cycle that has become my life; The endless cycle of bipolar disorder:
Start something new –> Goes great for weeks, maybe even months –> Crashes into a wall of depression –> I quit or give up –> At home all day trying to get my life back on track –> I end up feeling like a failure –> Attempts to try again (work, school, etc) –> The cycle repeats itself